Hi!  I’m Katie, and I am a happy, healthy, breastfeeding Mama to a happy, healthy, breastfed baby…my little Amelia, who is just over nine months old right now.  I would love to say that my adventures in breastfeeding have been all sunshine and roses.  But, alas…no.  So here is my story…the good, the bad, and the ugly…but it’s mostly good, I promise!

You know how there are some things about your life that you just know?  Well, I always KNEW I wanted to be a Mama, and I just KNEW that I wanted to breastfeed.  Still, I had my worries that I would be able to do so.  My concerns were compounded by the many stories you hear from women saying they were unable to breastfeed due to low or no milk, anatomical concerns, and just plain not liking it.  So, I read every piece of literature, be it books, pamphlets, or Internet articles and talked to as many breastfeeding women as I could find.  Come hell or high water, I was going to do it! 

Immediately after Amelia was born, I put her to my breast, partly because I had learned the importance of doing so shortly after birth from my childbirth class, but also because it was instinctual.  She latched on fairly well, and I spent the next 48 hours nursing her at least every two hours.  Now, Amelia was 8 pounds at birth, and when she dropped her weight to 7 pounds 3 ounces (which is NORMAL, like we all know), the rounding pediatrician was concerned and started talking supplementation and so on.  I held my ground and continued to feed my baby like nature intended, and sure enough, her weight began to gradually climb. 

During the first week, breastfeeding was not easy.  I suffered from blistered, cracked, bleeding nipples and difficulty with latching.  I finally took an appointment with one of the lactation consultants at the hospital.  She watched me latch Amelia on (or attempt to, I should say) and nurse her.  Within minutes or less, she solved the problem.  (I was holding the back of Amelia’s head instead of her neck and between-the-shoulder area which was robbing her of the ability to swallow…go ahead, have someone hold the back of your head down and see if you can swallow.  Now have them hold your neck...see the difference?)  From that moment on, latching and nursing have not been a problem.

Now I did experience mastitis shortly after my milk came in.  Unfortunately, I guess I was one of those rare cases that led to a battle with it for two months, including a couple rounds of breastfeeding-friendly antibiotics and needle aspirations.  Trust me in that I tried every trick in the book (compression, massage, nursing and/or pumping around the clock, hot compresses, cold compresses, “dangle” nursing, baby’s-chin-pointed-to-the-affected-spot nursing, potato poultices, cabbage leaves, submersing my breast in hot water, and even more that I won’t mention) before I did the invasive treatments.  Eventually, though, I had to have a surgical procedure called an I&D (incision and drainage) of my breast.  Afterwards, the wound was packed with gauze.  I had to go to a wound care clinic once a week till it finally healed when Amelia was 4 ½ months old.  I know, that sounded really horrendous, didn’t it?  It was not fun, and there were moments where I would start to feel sorry for myself.  But, it never affected my decision to keep nursing.  In fact, it solidified my desire to keep going.  Many people asked me why I kept going with it during all that, but Amelia NEVER had a problem with the breastfeeding.  She was happy and healthy…why change that and risk her health and happiness (which in the end, would have made it even harder for me?).

We are now past nine months and still going strong.  I had originally planned to nurse for a year, but now that a year is almost here, I am not planning to wean.  I intend to keep going till it is right for both of us.  I also co-sleep and night nurse…with no intentions to stop.  It works for us!  So many people ask why I still nurse her at night (“You know she can make it all night without nursing at this age, Katie.”)  But you know what, if I was in a box without anyone telling me what I should or should not do with my baby, this is exactly what I’d be doing.

If anyone decides to read this, please know that it may not always be easy, it may not always be fun, but you will find reward in breastfeeding.  I was told more than once to give it at least six to eight weeks before I made a decision to stop, that it may take that long for mother and baby to get it.  That advice is so true!  Just have lots of patience and educate yourself!

My breastfeeding experience did not start out well at all.  My husband and I took three months of natural childbirth classes in anticipation of having a natural birth.  I remember the instructor told us that we should read a book about breastfeeding and attend a La Leche League meeting before our baby was born.  I kind of brushed aside reading a book (breastfeeding comes so naturally right?) but I did go to a LLL meeting.  I didn't understand what the big deal was - my main concern was the birth NOT breastfeeding.  I thought to myself, you put the baby to the breast, they latch on and you gaze lovingly into each others eyes as this beautiful relationship unfolds.  Wow did I ever have it wrong.  I underprepared in the worst kind of way.  Next time I think something is so easy I'll have to explore the subject a little more to see if I'm missing something.  Here is the story about how my son and I got off to such a rocky start with something I thought would be so easy.

At 37 weeks I found out that my son was in a breech position.  At the time I did not know any doctor that would help me deliver a breech baby vaginally and my doctor originally offered that as an option, although when I expressed interest he quickly steered me towards a c-section.  When I told him I'd like to explore a vaginal birth he talked about all the risks and what-ifs and left me and my husband feeling terrified of even going into labor.  So we signed up for a c-section, scheduled 5 days before my sons due date.  I was so sad and shocked to realize that I was going to have a c-section.  I tried all the techniques to get the baby to turn and felt angry at the doctor because I knew he preferred me having a c-section to a vaginal birth because he prides himself as an excellent surgeon...he probably did not even know how to deliver a breech baby.  I kept hoping that something would happen and that my son would flip head down.  It did not happen. 

On March 9, 2006 my son was born via a scheduled c-section with zero labor.  I knew that having a c-section would possibly affect my ability to breastfeed so I did read about how I needed to breastfeed as soon as possible after the birth and use pillows to cover my incision to make it more comfortable.  After the c-section I was so jacked up on pain medication that when I breastfed that first day I did not know that my son was not latched on properly.  I could not feel the intense pain from a poor latch until much later in the day when the epidural was taken out.

The lactation consultant visited me and I have to say that she was really a bad one.  My mom and husband both said the same.  She came in right after I'd come out of surgery and I was so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open as she droned on and on.  Nothing she said made any sense to me.  This is where some major breastfeeding issues began.  The LC told me that I was doing great with breastfeeding so I thought I was but when I look back, she should have known that there was a problem.  My son was not latched on properly.  He did not have enough breast tissue in his mouth and was pretty much just latched on to my nipple.  Once the pain medication stopped flowing through my body I discovered that breastfeeding hurt really bad.  I just endured the pain thinking that it was normal.  It hurt so bad and pretty soon I had cracked nipples, bruises and my nipples were bloody.  I thought these problems stemmed from nursing during the epidural and that things were on the right path.   The LC still told me that everything looked great and gave me lansinoh for my nipples.  The bruises were getting worse and I realized there was a problem; everyone who saw them flinched in horror at the sight of them.  I hated nursing.  I rubbed more lansinoh cream on and continued to nurse through the pain.

I nursed my son one last time in our hospital room before we left to go home and I felt isolated even with people all around me.  I was in such horrible pain and could not believe it was so difficult to feed my baby.  I received a surprise visit from one of the midwives I'd seen before I had to switch over to the OB because of breech presentation.  She happened to be at the hospital helping a mother deliver and decided to come and say hi when she found out we were about to leave.  She asked about breastfeeding and I told her that my nipples were so sore but I thought maybe the latch problem had been corrected and this pain was just carried over from getting off on the wrong foot.  I wish I would have shown them to her because she would have been very alarmed to see them and probably would have told me that there was a serious current problem.  She suggested lansinoh and I smiled and thanked her.  When we got home from the hospital my son wanted to nurse constantly.  I see now that he wanted to nurse so much because my breasts were getting infected and the milk wasn't coming out as it should.  I thought this was a crazy growth spurt or something...I had no idea.  Each time I had to nurse my son I braced myself for intense pain and I just wanted to run and hide when my husband would bring our son to me for milk. 

On Sunday night I could not sleep - I wondered what was wrong.  I stayed up after a feeding (maybe around 2 am) and did some Internet research about breastfeeding.  I went to La Leche League's website and sent my childbirth instructor an email asking her if pain and blistering was normal.  I was so frustrated that I'd tell my husband we should switch to formula and that I was giving up.  When he would get up to get formula I'd start crying and say 'no, I want to breastfeed our son!'  I tried some different positions that I'd read about on LLL's website - the football hold, the crossover hold, etc.  As I continued researching I found out that pain and blistering were not normal - my childbirth instructor responded to my email that something had to be wrong and she suggested that I read "Nursing Mother's Companion."

Monday was another awful day - full of pain.  I contacted someone from LLL and they helped me over the telephone.  My sister called the hospital in Virginia where she had delivered her daughter.  The hospital gave her the name and number of a lactation consultant that lives here in Atlanta.  I called her and she offered me some advice over the telephone.  My husband bought the "Nursing Mother's Companion" book and I read it cover to cover and found that the latch was definitely still an issue.  With all of those resources telling me the same thing I finally understood what the problem was and by Tuesday I had the correct latch and position down.  My son was born the Thursday before.  It was a little too late unbeknownst to me at that point.  We took our son to his first pediatrician's appointment on Tuesday and everything looked fine to the doctor.  I told him I had some problems breastfeeding but we finally figured it out.  After that appointment my son wanted to nurse but couldn't get anything out - my breasts were full but my nipple was flat.  No matter what I tried to do it remained flat.  There was nothing to latch onto.  I was getting engorged because my milk ducts were probably starting to close or get clogged from all the open sores on my nipples.  A major infection was brewing.

Once we got home I started to freak out and sob uncontrollably.  My son was hungry and I could not feed him.  I felt so sad as he whimpered and tried so hard to get the milk out.  I was in a very bad place - I had NO idea what to do.  I called the lactation consultant that my sister had found for me and she told me to calm down first - everything would be okay.  She asked if my breasts were leaking and I responded that yes, they were.  She said that was a good sign and that she wanted me to get into a warm shower so I could get them leaking really good.  She said after that to get out of the shower, put the baby on one breast and pump the other.  She said to get the milk out any way that I could because the pain would get worse if I didn't.  My husband helped me pump while our son nursed with all his might on the other breast.  That did not feel good at all.  We only had a handpump and it really wasn't that great of one so we got them a little unengorged but it was so much work to get just a little milk that my breasts would fill right back up and I still had flat nipples.  I remember being so upset and feeling like such a failure that I threw the handpump across the room as I cried and yelled.

Things got even worse.  The next day I fed my son around 9 am and I cried the whole time because of the pain.  After he finished nursing we took a nap together and when we woke up I discovered that I could NOT feed him again.  My nipples looked awful.  It was obvious that there was a very serious infection going on because they were green and had pus on them.  It was like they shut down and refused to allow anything to come out of them.  I came out of the bedroom crying my eyes out to my husband.  He told me to load my stuff up, we were going to my OB's office.  We did not even call, we just drove straight there.  I grabbed formula on the way out since the baby had to eat something.  I was an emotional wreck because I really, really wanted to breastfeed but I was terrified that I would not be able to.  I did not want my son to have any formula at all but he had to eat something and I was out of commission for the time being.  After waiting for an hour to see anyone at my OB's office they finally called me back.  I saw one of the midwives who was absolutely HORRIFIED to see my nipples.  They were scabbed, green, pussy, bruised and just looked terrible.  It was 2 pm or so and she asked when I'd last fed my son or pumped.  I told her 9 am was the last time I could get something out of them and she looked extremely concerned.  She told me that I had to get the milk out ASAP or our breastfeeding was going to be compromised.  She called in another midwife (the one who came to visit me in the hospital) and she could not believe what her eyes were seeing.  She said that she had never seen such a severe infection before.  I felt so embarrassed.  They said I had mastitis and other infections as well and wrote me a prescription for antibiotics, nipple cream and told me to find a hospital grade double electric breastpump FAST.  I didn't even know where to look so the midwife called a doula friend of hers and she said that I needed to call Anne, a lactation consultant here in Atlanta.

While we had the prescriptions filled my husband and I called Anne; she said that she had a hospital-grade breast pump and agreed with the midwife that I needed to get it into my hands and onto my breasts as soon as possible.  Rush hour traffic was beginning and she lived across town so we decided to check with the hospital I delivered at first to see if they had any breast pumps that we could use and/or rent.  The hospital was right across the street from my OBs office but we found them unable to help us.  All of their pumps were rented out and the lactation consultant was on vacation (no backup LC apparently).  I was running around frantically in dismay that they did not have a pump or an LC, once again crying and snapping at any nurse that came near me.  A kind nurse took us to the baby nursery and let us use a room to feed our son his formula and change his diaper.  Of course he peed all over the place and we did not have a spare outfit with us so we had to undress him completely and use hospital baby blankets to wrap him up since it was really cold outside that day.  The nurse gave us a list of companies to call so we could find a rental pump nearby - we called every number on the list and either the phone numbers were disconnected or the companies had no breastpumps available.  We realized that our only chance was to go to Anne.  We drove across town and she was worth the drive for sure.

I honestly felt like she was a fairy godmother of sorts.  She was so kind and reassuring as she sat me down, helped me calm down, gave me water, hooked me to a pump, massaged my back and explained exactly what was going on for me emotionally.  She told me and my husband that nursing mothers who can't get their milk out have a chemical/hormonal imbalance until they can get the milk out or until they dry up.  It felt so wonderful to be understood and taken in by this 'stranger' - here we were sitting in a spare bedroom of her house.  The milk trickled from my nipples into the bottles - not very much but Anne told me that each drop is gold.  Anne wanted me to take it slow so she only had me pump for 10 minutes or so; she told me that I needed to go home, get in bed and stay there for 2 days, only getting up to use the restroom.  She reminded me that I had just been through major surgery; now that I had finally calmed down I realized that my incision was so sore that I could not stand up straight anymore.  Anne rented the pump to us for 2 weeks and told me that I needed to stay in bed and pump every hour for 10 minutes.  She told my husband that he should take care of everything - bring me food, water, change the baby, etc until I was feeling better.  The ride home was relaxing.  I thanked my husband for his support and asked him to hang in their with me.  He told me that of course he would and that we'd all be okay soon.

I called my mom and asked her to come over to our house to help.  She came right over and I remember crying alot.  My nipples hurt, my incision hurt, the baby cried and demanded so much even though I was hurt and exhausted.  We had a system down.  When the baby would wake up to eat, my mom or husband would feed the baby and I would get up and pump.  I stayed in bed as Anne advised and I felt really good after 48 hours.  Anne said to call her when I was feeling better and when my nipples started to heal so she could come over and help me and the baby with latch and positioning.  I planned to call her on day 3 since she had estimated I'd be healed enough to begin breastfeeding again.  I did not heal so I had to cancel the appointment - there was no way I was going to let anyone near my nipples to nurse.  As the days flew by I continued to pump every hour.  The baby drank my milk and formula - whatever was available at the time he was hungry.  My mom came over almost everyday because my husband had to go back to work...that was hard when he went back to work and my mom couldn't come over.  It was tough to feed the baby and pump - almost impossible.  My son cried alot and slept very little - he had colic (we found out later he had reflux) so he would cry almost all day long and at night until 11 pm.  I cried too.  My nipples still were not healing or showing any signs of progress.  I went back to my OBs office and they kept giving me more antibiotics which were not working.  It felt like broken glass going through my nipples.  I would get so frustrated that I would throw pillows across the room and cry in anger and frustration.  My mom told me that perhaps it was time to give up trying to nurse.  I told her that the issue now was that my nipples were damaged and I had to get them better.  I slowed down to pumping only once a day.  That was all I could muster at that point.  My husband was still very optimistic that I could eventually nurse.  I researched high and low on the Internet, trying to find out what could be keeping me from healing.  Finally I found some little post on LLLs website from a woman who had a very similar story to mine.  She said that it was thrush and she posted how she used athletes foot cream to heal herself. 

I called my midwife and told her that I thought I had thrush.  She too suggested that I stop trying to nurse (it was now mid-April) and said that I did not have thrush.  She said time would heal all wounds.  It had been nearly a month - how much time would this take???  I was so frustrated with her advice and unwillingness to even consider thrush.  I made another appointment to see her and even standing right in front of her showing her my nipples again, she said it was not thrush and handed me a prescription for another round of antibiotics.  I drove to the store and purchased athletes foot cream, threw the prescription for antibiotics away and started self diagnosing and medicating because I knew that I had thrush.  I went to my sons pediatricians office and got a prescription for nystatin.  I treated my son for thrush (at the pediatricians advice - he believed me about my self diagnosis) and I used the nystatin on my nipples as well.  My nipples showed strong improvement.  I was still in pain so at my 6 week postpartum checkup a few days later I demanded a prescription for diflucan from my OB.  He said that I did not need it - this was not thrush.  He tried to give me another antibiotic prescription and I asked him just to trust me - this was thrush.  He handed over the diflucan prescription, it is only one pill, and an amazing thing happened.  My breasts were healed within a matter of DAYS after taking it. 

 Since my son was only drinking formula at this point except for one time a day when I did pump, I realized that I had a huge task in front of me if I wanted to resume nursing.  I was so terrified of even the thought of nursing and I was still sore because my breasts had been so traumatized.  My husband encouraged me to give it a try.  Funny because we were dining out at the time that I decided to give it a go...my first time nursing in 5 weeks was in public!  We had a secluded little corner so I put ice on my nipples first (a friend suggested this) and that numbed them enough to get my son latched on.  He knew just how to nurse - I thought maybe he would have forgotten since he had mostly taken bottles during his short life.  After he finished nursing I iced them again to numb them up again.  That really helped.  Not even a week before my nipples hurt if they accidentally grazed against anything, like my shirt or the door...excruitiating pain.  Here I was nursing!  What an exciting moment.

Back to LLL's website to figure out how to resume nursing after such a long break and hardly any milk production going on.  More tears and a roller coaster of emotions as I worked on ramping up my milk production.  I had faith that it would work - I'd done tons of research, read articles about it, and prayed really hard that God would allow me to breastfeed my son.  It took time and patience, lots of crying from me and my son.  He was hungry and had to suck on an empty breast for 10-15 minutes before he would get formula.  It still hurt to nurse, but not the sharp pain I had before.  I checked our latch every time and would have him re-latch if it wasn't just right.  It only took 3 days for my milk supply to build all the way back up.  At that point my son needed no more formula - I was so happy that I threw it in the trash can.  I am grateful that formula exists because I realized that some people just have a very tough time with nursing and they need to feed their baby something.  I was certainly in that position and don't know what I would have done if formula was not an option.

I am immensely grateful that I was able to pull through the tough times and nourish my son in this way.  I was so upset with having to settle for a c-section that I think it made me determined to breastfeed.  I just coud not let go of the idea, even though I really wanted to in some ways.  I don't know why we had to have such a rough start but I am now grateful for it and would not have had it any other way.  I think that it made my husband, son and I bond in a way that we would not have otherwise; those were some dark days. 

My son just celebrated his second birthday and I am 40 weeks pregnant with our second child.  Remember that La Leche League meeting I went to during my sons pregnancy?  They talked all about tandem nursing and showed us pictures about how great it is.  I remember looking at those pictures and thinking 'there is no way!'  Well guess what?  My son is still nursing with vigor and I plan on nursing the next baby as well.  If someone had tapped me on my shoulder during all those rough days and said 'you'll be okay and even tandem nursing in 2 years', I never would have believed them!  We'll see where this next adventure leads...